Traveler's Joy

My backyard is plagued with Clematis Vitalba, also known as Old Man's Beard or Traveler's Joy.  For a brief moment, the flowers open in a profusion of white, but mostly the vine is persistent and invasive, growing so heavily that it breaks branches of the trees it envelops.  It's clear why it's called Old Man's Beard: as the flowers turn to seeds, they become puffballs that grow increasingly scraggly as the fall wears on.  I haven't determined whether the name Traveler's Joy comes from the fact that the seeds disperse widely, or that the vines grow so quickly over everything, or that the plant seems to travel underground - when I pull it up by the roots, I trace along my fence line to the next plant, as though it's rhizomatic.  It grows natively in English hedgerows, though, so I suspect that some people have been happy to see it; particularly those who didn't need to take care that it didn't overwhelm their gardens, but could perhaps shelter under its thick cloak for a night.

On moving to Portland last winter and early spring, I had this amazing sense of momentum, excitement, openness.  I would meet people everywhere on my travels, and I wanted to carry that through into my daily life in my new city, and I did, for a while.  Months later, I've just had a refresher course in what that openness feels like.  This, I think, is something that should really be called Traveler's Joy.  What is it made of?  How do we feel it?

As the many friends I've made traveling will attest, there's spontaneity at the heart of it.  I set out in my travels with a clear path, many pilgrimage sites, a few milestones, and a return ticket all prepared.  Things were never set in stone, though - I gave myself permission to skip Notre Dame, I stayed extra days with a lover in Switzerland, I knew I could change my return ticket if I changed my mind.  Life would not derail if I followed the path I hadn't known I wanted to take until I came upon it, rather than the one for which I'd prepared.  

Permission to deviate led naturally to a curious happiness with unexpected travel "problems."  Given that I knew this was all an adventure, and one that would be fascinating no matter if I made it to the next stop or if I stopped and just lived wherever I missed the train, I could revel in the unknown of travel delays, road blocks, and technical problems.  These were not inefficiencies, these were the main event.  How would I have met my lover, if not for a broken cell phone that miraculously fixed itself the next day?  I wouldn't have absorbed that valley and those mountains without him there to keep me past my expected stay.  Long lines became great opportunities to look and listen carefully to what was happening around me, and to meet fellow travelers.  Wrong turns led to places that, like reading the book next to the one you were looking for on the shelf, provided depth and context and sometimes a treat better than the one I was searching out.  All of these moments built to great gratitude that the adventure continued.

Last week/weekend's reminder of this came from two directions.  Struggling with today's birthday, I reread "It's Not You: The 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single."  I don't recall how I found this book, other than probably the NYTimes, but I can say that despite the title, it's a pretty excellent book about life and love and the complications of our modern expectations.  I was in Chapter 24, wherein the author, Sara Eckel, talks about Loving-Kindness, when I realized that this is the natural mindset and daily meditation of the traveler.  When you give yourself permission to follow either the prescribed or unanticipated path; when you give yourself over to loving the moment for what it is, rather than where it might get you; when you build gratitude with every tick of the clock you're still on the ride; then you also remember to love all those around you, even and especially those you don't know.  It's easy, at that point, to look at a stranger and know that they are also living in the same world, with things that go wrong and things that go right, happinesses and sadnesses and eases and tensions.  When you get to that recognition, you can't help but love them, and I believe that love is felt, and I know it's more frequently returned when it is more freely given.

Friday I played golf for the first time in my life.  Learning new skills is like traveling - it's an adventure in which you must relinquish some control in order to move anywhere.  I left my keys at work, and had to go far out of the way to retrieve them - I was reminded to appreciate the ride, rather than rue the detour.  I conversed deeply and lightly, and sat through silences with a new friend.  And then, when the evening should have stopped, I offered a minor generosity and stepped into a swift river of connection, twisting though unforeseen banks.  I was reminded that in even more practical terms, eye contact, vulnerable sharing and intimacy, and appreciation develop directly into those moments of intense connection, those times when we feel we're seeing and being seen by others.

Why did I start this essay with Clematis, other than the name (which, I'll admit, was the main reason)?  I wonder to what extent we have to loose commitment in order to gain connection, and to what extent we limit our ability to develop a deeper reciprocity without it.  I know that loosing the weight of further acquaintance frees me to be more fully with someone in the moment of meeting them.  Discarding the duties of life gives me the time to appreciate the detours.  I know less about the other side of the equation.  My Clematis is committed to my garden, though, and I come back to it again and again.  I clear it out - one less thing to deal with - for a few weeks.  Then it returns.  With vigor that might appear to be rage, I cut it back, yank it off the fence, tear it out of the ground.  But the more I pull it, the more I appreciate how strong it is, how deep it's sent roots, how wide it's grown.  It's not a practice if it doesn't take some work.

As usual, I've gotten to the end of an essay and I'm not sure it's where I wanted to be.  Of course, in the multitude of possible worlds, this is the one I'm in, and this is what I've written, and it's late and I'm not in the mood to edit it, so I'm posting.  I'll give myself permission to come back and change it if need be.  

In Case You Were Wondering

I am still alive

I am in Barcelona until Monday, at which point I fly to Brussels and probably take the train to Ghent.

I am having a pretty awesome time on my trip.  Recent highlights - visiting the Alhambra thoroughly; all of Seville (except perhaps the Metropol Parisol, aka the main reason I went); playing with the Grulitas in Lanzarote, both on and off the field; walking around Sagrada Famiglia and finding both Modernista and pre-modernista gems in random Barcelona streets.

The best food I have eaten is the Bon Bon tapas from that awesome restaurant we visited on Sunday night after a nice walk from our apartments on Lanzarote (wherein I explained linoleum and everyone listened with apparent interest).  The bocadillo here in Barcelona the first day I arrived.  The cake-first meal I had with A and J in Cologne, with possibly the best berry cake in the world, then cabbage roulade with delicious pumpkin mash.  Also, the meal they cooked me with orange-garlic salad, duck with orange sauce, and fruit cobbler.  Pastries in Paris, pretty much without exception.  Jamon Iberico.  Tinto de Verrano.

Seville is beautiful, walkable, full of interesting buildings, laid back, and sunny, and if I'm not married in 3 years I'll learn Spanish and move there because it's full of the most handsome men I've ever encountered in one place, and I've played in a lot of frisbee tournaments.

I have met so many wonderful people on this trip, which is something I was really worried about.  I never feel really good writing about them, though...suffice it to say, sometimes it's quite difficult to say goodbye to someone you've know for really only a few hours, or someone you're getting to be with again after many, many years apart.

Blogging while on a trip is hard to do - when I have a thought, I'm usually out walking around, and don't want to stop to record it; frequently I'm without good internet connection; often there's too much to say.  Occasionally there's not enough to say.  Some places are disappointing or require more processing or are overwhelmingly awesome.

You can see a through-line from the vernacular architecture of the area around Chur and Peter Zumthor's buildings.  I wish more buildings were like his best works.

It's an amazingly difficult thing to keep architectural pilgrimage sites maintained.  So many hands want to touch, feet walk through dirty from the trek there, gum and trash magically accumulate, birds poop, sun and rain and snow fall, stones and mortar fall, metal expands, times change.  Sometimes, these days, it's also difficult to see anyone enjoying them in real time.  Everyone has their cameras out, to the point that I wonder what is actually coming through, but nonetheless/and, I feel compelled to take my own pictures to fit in.  Sharing the space with so many camera faces can be very odd - it's not exactly what I imagine when I think of creating great buildings for people to enjoy.

I kept up with photo documentation of my trip until I arrived in Paris.  I have Milan, Cinque Terre, Sagogn, Lauterbrunnen, Basel, and Lyon (including all side trips) through rough edit, but Paris gave me a huge backlog.  Cologne, Barcelona, Lanzarote, and Seville will be up someday. Maybe.

East of Eden is a fantastic book.  99% Invisible is an amazing podcast.  I was a little annoyed by but also quite enjoyed the Alchemist, and enjoyed without reservation the Book Thief.  Wait Wait Don't Tell Me is almost too funny to listen to on public transportation.  I am so grateful for podcasts.  They are free, insightful, entertaining, easy to get and delete, short, and they give you a dose of English whenever you want one.

My French helped me survive, but is not conversational.

My portfolio is under construction.  This whole website is under construction.  Sometimes you start projects at really inopportune moments, but at least you have started them.

I'm very happy to find myself eager to start on my Portland adventure.  I'm not hurrying through this part of the trip, but it's been very reassuring to have conversations with people where I tell them where I'm from and I know that I'll have as much exploring to do when I get "home" as I am doing here.  I'm still keeping my ears open for places that call my name here, though.

I think I'm staying within my budget.  I have occasionally skipped something I wish I hadn't, but such is life.  I feel like I've had some really excellent luck on this trip.  I've stuck quite closely to the plan I made ahead of time.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm drifting around too much, not engaging enough, and sometimes I realise that I haven't been going out on the weekends much - only when I'm with friends, really.  Then, I try to listen hard to what I'm really feeling.  Mostly, I'm not sure what it is, but it's good practice and every now and then, I hear something.

Work In Progress

I loved Gertie’s post the other day.  She is always an inspiration, but what I liked about this post wasn’t so much that it was inspiring, (which it definitely was) but that she made the comment:

I didn’t start my blog until after I turned 30, and I’ve recently been feeling so inspired creatively, like I’m getting closer to what I’m supposed to be doing. When I’m 40, maybe I’ll be even closer. I’m a work in progress, no doubt.

I think that as a young person, it’s hard to know how great getting older can be, especially in our youth-obsessed culture.  I don’t know if I’m noticing the trend of respect and, more than respect, admiration of age more because I feel like my age suits me in a very different way than it used to, or if there really is a trend.  I’ve enjoyed TLo’s posts about some of the beautiful older women gracing the pages of the fashion magazines.  I’m excited for my housemate, who’s quitting her job and moving across the country to go work on a farm, and just heard about another 30something who recently did the same thing and found the experience very rewarding.  Although my review last week at work was a little rough, this week went very well, and with the boyfriend and job going so well, and my decision last year (which I thought I blogged about, but I guess I didn’t) that I really like the way I look, I feel like it’s good to get older.  It’s not all about growing up, it’s about doing the things I want to be doing, and knowing that I’m doing the things I want to be doing.

Anyway, that being said, I’ve been spending all sorts of time on ancestry.com making a family tree (which I know my parents have done before, but it’s so cool to find ancestors in very old censuses, and I love seeing that although my family was always extremely working class, we were on occasion ribbon makers, silk weavers, engineer’s pattern makers, bakers, and green grocers).  I have lots of projects, including the new logo for our frisbee team, and my Lady Grey Coat – if I ever finish it it’s going to be too warm to wear – but I’m getting things done slowly but surely, like my new kitchen worm bin.  So, even though I know that sometimes I’m not doing my projects, I am doing the things I want to be doing.  Oh, and I really will take pictures of the party dress soon, because it turned out so well that I bought the Bridal Couture book that I had been renewing from the library!

So, with that little brain dump, I’ll go put some laundry in and get back to some of my works in progress, including me!

Winter Meals

When I was in grad school, I learned a trick from a friend for eating healthy homemade meals on a tight schedule. It wasn’t a big revelation, since I’d already tried it myself, but her method worked far better than mine. She had drawn up weekly meal plans, including a schedule, a grocery list, and a combination recipe so that all of the week’s dishes could be made in one coordinated cooking session, then stored in Tupperware ready to go out the door.

I have been doing a great clean up and organize effort this year, which has a way to go yet, but I thought I’d revisit her old meal plans the other day. They’re especially good in winter, since it’s not as easy to head to the garden or farmer’s market for fresh bits and pieces. When I looked at her old plans two weeks ago, though, I wasn’t that inspired, so I thought I’d do some new plans. My friend was much more concerned about variety than I am, though, so be forewarned that if you want more than four meals in your rotation, my meal plan is not for you. Here are my plans, which are sourced pretty much from Epicurious.com and smittenkitchen.com

White wine week:
My favorite dish of the week was Orzo with Shrimp, Feta Cheese, and White Wine, from Epicurious (http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/107904?mbid=ipapp)
I also made a delicious chard and white bean stew (http://smittenkitchen.com/2011/01/chard-and-white-bean-stew/), and chicken and mushrooms in white wine sauce (http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/1940?mbid=ipapp). Each of those three dishes called for white wine, and I finished the bottle with a dried fruit compote (http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/231666?mbid=ipapp). To top it off, I bought a few extra carrots and a full bag of celery, plus some fresh tomatoes and lettuce and I made fresh green salads whenever it felt too wintery. I also steamed some broccoli so that I’d have another cooked green.

This week of food actually lasted closer to two weeks, and I didn’t get tired of eating anything. I did have an unfortunate incident with the pepper grinder and the stew, so finding whole peppercorns in the stew was probably the low point of the week, but using a whole bottle of wine and most of a package of thyme were great perks. Cooking for one can be difficult that way. 

Green olives week:
This week, I’m planning to cook a moroccan stew, a barley risotto, and some lamb chops, with a side of escarole or other leafy wintery greens, and some cous cous, probably with raisins involved. I have some white beans left over from the previous cooking session, and the green olives and escarole carry nicely through the recipes. I’m going to do a bit more planning and substituting to make the shopping list more straightforward, but I think it will be another wonderful week (or two) of food.

http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/01/squash-and-chickpea-moroccan-stew/

http://smittenkitchen.com/2010/01/barley-risotto-with-beans-and-greens/

http://smittenkitchen.com/2010/06/lamb-chops-with-pistachio-tapenade/

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/351173?mbid=ipapp

Do you cook for a week at time? What are your favorite meal plans? Are you interested in having the shopping lists and combined recipes for my weeks? I’d love to hear your story if you try one of these two weeks of food.

Summer

A month has passed since my last post, and a lot has happened, to be sure.  The most notable of which must be the fact that I am gainfully employed, full time, as a designer at an architecture firm in Eugene!!!

Yes, that gets three exclamation points.  It’s been keeping me busy, which has resulted in the radio silence on this blog, and complete lack of effort on the portfolio website, but I can’t say that I’m too sorry about that.  As you may know, finding another job in Eugene wasn’t my intention, but all of the pieces kind of fell into place.  The women’s utimate team that seemed just out of reach for the past four years is finally coalecsing, and I felt very sad at the prospect of leaving town without having a season with them.  We came in second at Solstice, the tournament here in town, and we absolutely had a blast.  I also got a great new housemate, and hey, well, I got this job, and I really like it.

I’m working at Nir Pearlson Architect, and in the short time I’ve been there, we’ve submitted two projects for permitting.  Next week I’ll turn in the third, and I’ll do it by myself because Nir, my boss, is in Israel for the next two and a half weeks.  I’ll be manning the office alone, working on a few other projects and trying to keep everything going while Nir’s gone.  I think I’ll take the opportunity of the slight lull to make sure that my IDP hours for this job get counted, and to actually work on that online portfolio.

Summer in Eugene is pretty nice – I’m eating cherries as I type, and heading to a barbeque in an hour.  I’m enjoying working with Nir, and I know he’d like me to stick around a while longer and work on a few more jobs.  But although this job, this frisbee team, this housemate, and these cherries are fortuitous and fantastic, I still wonder how long it can last.

Up at Potlatch last week, I was reminded again of life in the city, and the different opportunities to take advantage of there.  Yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening with friends and we talked about San Francisco and Portland, and about living in the city.  I’m trying my best to be here, but, if you’ve been reading this blog, you know I’ve been having a tough time with that for some time.  I just want to peek ahead, find out where the plot’s going, but unfortunately that’s not an option.  So, I guess I just keep doing what I’m doing until it stops working.  And, I guess that after a few more weeks of just enjoying employed life,  I’ll start thinking again about the long-term plan again.

In the mean time, Potlatch was tons of fun, seeing all the little babies together a few weeks ago was fantastic,  I’m looking forward to Seaside and some sore beach legs, I can’t believe I get to play in Labor Day with my ladies, and I’m still hoping to head to Colorado to visit the brother.  I’m also hoping to get a few more hours of sewing in in the next few weeks because I keep buying patterns and fabric, so I keep needing to make beautiful things.  I’m catching up on Mad Men and thoroughly enjoying Friday Night Lights, and I’m trying to catch up with people I haven’t seen in a while, too, whether it be through email, phone calls, or unexpected visits.  So, in sum, life is full, and I’m going to do my best to get the most out of it.  I hope you’re doing the same – summer is so short, so love every minute of it!

Waking up from hibernation

Another two part post – some musings on generation divides to follow the life update.

It’s funny that I just bought furniture for my apartment, since I’m planning to move.  If that move is to somewhere on I-5, I’m good, if not, I’m probably contributing to the awful amount of particleboard in our nation’s landfills.

I cleaned a lot this past weekend, and with the organizing and the beautiful weather, I feel a bit like I’m waking from hibernation.

I realized that I’d sort of been snowed under, with things all over my floor literally preventing me from moving freely.  I subscribe to the idea that a real housecleaning can do wonders for the psyche, and that making doors fully operable and floors clear to walk on can help to make paths in our lives clearer, too.  I realized, too, that the snowed-underness is somewhat chronic for me, but that it might be worse because there were a few things I’d never really taken care of from graduation, plus getting back from LA added an unfinished unpacking to the pile, plus entering into the Cavin Family Traveling Fellowship delayed the cleaning another week.

So, I finally took my car to get washed, which was really so easy that I will totally do it again, and I finally replaced my little old art tacklebox with a set of clear plastic drawers that also hold my office supplies and my sewing supplies.  It’s on wheels, and it almost makes me glad that my desk doesn’t have drawers because it’s great to be able to roll it around as an extra work surface during intense sewing/architecture moments.  I got a new trashcan for our bathroom, our first of which mysteriously disappeared a few months ago.

I also got a bookcase.  I have two wonderful little white bookcases that are painted wood deals from a vintage store in Springfield.  I’ve been watching craigslist on and off, and considering that I went to every vintage/antique/goodwill store I know of in Eugene and Springfield this summer to get those beauties, I knew that chances were slim of me finding a third.  Oh, it was sad to put those plastic dowels through that laminated skin, to nail that cardboard onto the back of that board, but it is amazing to have my books off the floor.

So, I’m set up to conquer the world, by which I mean update my cut sheet and send out applications, redo my last IDP installment, send in my taxes and census form, and finally file away the little bits and pieces that have been floating around wondering where they belong for oh so long now.  If only it wasn’t so beautiful outside.  And, if only I didn’t realize that I’ve been spending way too much time by myself… although with a lot of folks on spring break and a promise of rain next week, I might be successful yet.  Wish me luck in taking on all of those looming tasks – I think it’s going to feel pretty great to knock them out, just like it felt to finally finish furnishing my rooms with the things they were lacking.

Oh, and I didn’t get all new things.  Doing that laundry in the basement, I checked to see if the trashcan had somehow walked downstairs and discovered a somewhat homely but perfectly serviceable coffee table behind what appeared to be an entertainment center.  Yes, it’s got a laminate top, but parts of it were wood, and it was free, and it will go back in the basement when I move.  After six months without a coffee table, it’s awesome to have one.

OK, on to my ponder.  Today I was looking at the Harvard Business Review for graphic design inspiration.  I know, it sounds as bad as it was, but really, I needed to see how they set up their cases, since the cases we’re writing for work are based loosely on their model.  They may not have the best designer on staff, but man can they write a case!  I got distracted by the task at hand by actually reading the article, which was about differences in Gen X and Gen Y approaches to the workplace.  What’s somewhat funny to me is that I think I’ve read the article before, and it’s totally cheesy, and it’s definitely based on caricatures of the stereotypes of the two generations, but nonetheless I was hooked.

I frequently find business writing compelling for several reasons.  I want to be a good employee, and if it’s in my cards in the future a good employer or manager.  I also think that there’s something fascinating about the way that business writing hovers between applied anthropology, sociology, psychology, and economics.  I guess the third reason I find business writing compelling is that the people doing the writing know that they’ve got to be compelling, so they generally relate interesting stories, make clear assertions about those stories, develop catchy ways to remember their information, and keep it brief – in other words, they write to be compelling, and the good ones succeed.  Oh, and generally, they don’t go off on tangents like this.

That first reason, though, was what I first thought of when I read the case today.  I saw some similarities between the situation described in the case and my own situation at work, and thought that I might adjust the way I was considering certain parts of the situation.  I also thought that I might be more sensitive to some of the things the case brought to light in my job search.

Then, I thought about that job search, and how this whole internal discussion I’ve had about taking advantage of the downturn to do something more innovative and interesting totally reflected the attributes of the Gen Y thinking presented in the case.  I realized that part of my hesitancy in pursuing that kind of new “job” or whatever it would be that would make living possible as I was doing awesome architecture stuff that was good for people and the environment and let me draw and build and talk to people – that hesitancy comes from my uncertainty that Gen Y thinking is all that good at making stuff in the real world.  It seems clear that it’s got some benefits – open source techniques work for my friend who makes shoes and for some of the bike companies I admire greatly.  Certainly Gen Y thinking is effective in the realm of ideas and technology.  Yet I wonder if Gen Y thinking, as outlined in the article, is compatible with building things, which takes a long time, requires a lot of players and investors, and is meant to last a long time, too.

Here’s the thing.  Part of me is on board with the revolution.  I’m ready to use better platforms to collaborate more effectively.  I’d like to keep drawing by hand, to keep talking in person, but I also think we’re on the verge of having way better modeling software – software that incorporates more of the benefits of hand drawing while it dramatically increases the ability of the modeler to make excellent, easy-to-construct building – and I think that videoconferencing will become more accessible, but more to the point, hard and software will improve our face-to-face meetings, helping us record our thoughts better and launch from those thoughts more effectively.  I also think that design must be at least partially open to the crowd’s influence if it’s going to be relevant, and I think things from coordinating construction to monitoring energy use will all transform in positive ways if we think about them differently.

But part of me thinks that there’s something to be said for putting in your time and going through the established routes.  There is something essential to me about knowing the fundamentals.  And even as I write this, I realize that in some ways, it’s knowing the fundamentals and being tied to those “proper routes” that loose us the ability to look at problems freshly, to hear the voice of the novice that revolutionizes the game.  Fundamentally, I think the same thing is happening in architecture as in environmental change – the status quo is difficult to disrupt.  Building codes and contractual setups change slowly, protecting us from rash decisions, but they can also stymie valid change.  With environmental change, the political and physical obstacles are deeper and wider, but again, they slow change that we can envision, even if we have difficulty implementing it.

Anyways, in the end, I wonder if us Gen Yers, with our impatience; disrespect for pecking orders, lines of authority, and proper protocol; need for feedback; with our life experienced through machines and need for entertainment and instant gratification, I wonder if we can really make great things.  Will our things forever be left unfinished?  Will they be two-dimensional?  Will they speak only to the now?  Or, will they be made faster and better by people who have more time to spend with their families and friends, by people who find that their work is fun and rewarding and challenging, and who tell each other when they’ve gotten it right?

I also wonder if there even is a real, measurable difference, or if it’s just the idealism of the young rubbing up against the conservativeness of the old, dressed up in new phrases, with the specter of technology floating around to scare us all a little.

Well, that’s not where I thought this would end, and not even close to what I thought I would say, but it’s time for me to get off the couch before the day ends.  I’m glad that spring is coming here, complete with adorable little birds at my window, and I hope that it brings even a tiny bit of resolution on the pressing matters in my mind.

Putting things out there

Warning: next three paragraphs deal with the intractable issues of work and social life.  For something actually interesting and new, skip to the photo.

I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but for quite some time to come, I think my main job is actually putting myself out there.  It’s actually been a lot of fun to put together the portfolio and teaser and resume…and I’m sure the cover letters will be fun in hindsight, too.  Now we come to the part where I actually send them all out, though, and that’s a whole other story.  I’m less than excited to send them into the abyss, to ask for jobs that don’t exist and to profess how wonderful I am to people who can’t really care.

I can’t help but feel a reflection of this work life issue in my personal life, too – I may know all sorts of people here, but I’ve yet to rebuild a group of friends of the sort I had in Oberlin, Vermont, or, in fact, that I pretty much developed here, pre-graduation.  Not to mention that there’s a good chance that I’ll move to a whole new place and actually have to make an even bigger effort towards friendship than I do here now.

I’ll admit, part of it is a problem of commitment.  I’m not sure where I want to move, not sure what I want to do, not sure who I want to spend my time with, so in some ways I’m not making a strong case to anyone, let alone myself.  Howard’s recommendation of actually writing out a five year plan or two seems like a great one.  I vaguely know where I’m going and what I’m doing, but defining things a bit more, while having an alternative plan, seems like a good way to stop faffing and actually move confidently towards doing the things that I want to do.  I feel like I’m back in high school with all this self definition and worrying about who I’ll be friends with.  Thought I was over all of that.

On another note, I saw this today:

Along with five other lamps, it’s part of an impressive graduation project, Light Movement, by Noam Bar Yohai.  Each of the lamps employs wood, elastic bands and heat-shrinking tubing, with metal components to weight them.  They are each adjustable because of the friction of the tubing, weight of the metal, tension of the elastic bands, or flexibility of the wood.  I think Yohai has done an excellent job of exploring this object as a series of mechanisms.  For me, they come to a pleasing level of refinement – they seem like abstracted models of joints: skeleton, sinew, muscle, and nerve poised before some action.  Tell me what you think, and perhaps, if you’re ambitious, compare and contrast with Moooi’s Brave New World lamp.

27

I am now 27.

I just fell in love with the BurdaStyle website, and especially the Ellen pants, which, should I ever get to make them, will probably be disappointing since I’m not a stick thin/5’10.” Working my way up to that, and looking forward to sewing again.

First phase of the project is almost done, so work is coming along. Portfolio is coming along more slowly, but progressing. I have a new layout that’s a bit more clear, but I’m still working on how to get some of the spontaneity of the old one in there. The projects are developing into better stories the more I work on them.

Sasha’s visit was wonderful, and I’m looking forward to her moving up to Portland.

Many more plans and thoughts. Finished Howard’s End, reread The Diamond Age (again), and started Rebecca.

Also, I put up the last year’s photographic highlights on my Flickr account.

Returning, Moving On

I’m going to write something because I’d really like to return to blogging, but I’m out of practice. At a point, life just got too complicated to tell about. It’s not that the plot was so convoluted, more that the characters all got a little out of hand. But, we’re beyond that now, and in fact, the plot has also straightened itself out quite a bit.

I am a Master now. Finishing grad school has been a bit anticlimactic. It was wonderful to have the celebration in June, and I do feel done, for real. However, I now feel the weight of the Internship Development Program (IDP) and licensure bearing down on me. I have a job, which I am very happy about both because the economy is bad enough that it’s rare for a recent grad to be offered a job, and because said job is actually interesting and closely related to what I want to do in the long run. However, I’m acutely aware that it’s not a job that can get me closer to actually being an architect, and it’s not a job of the type for which I have been preparing myself for the last three and a half years. So, despite enjoying it, I very much am continuing to wonder, and occasionally actually work towards figuring out, what I will do next.

So, it’s portfolio making time.  It’s time to organize a game plan for applications, to get recommendations in line, and to feel a little untethered from the future, which, as you know, I like to have some grasp on.  All of that is fine: the portfolio is taking shape and I like where it’s going.  The rest I can deal with, and may even enjoy.  But, there’s one thing I’m really struggling with – where to be.  Theoretically, I’m likely to move when I get a job in an architecture firm.  My current plan is to first apply to the set of firms at which I would most like to work, which are primarily in cities on the west coast and in the UK.  Here’s the issue, though.  Rent runs out on the 15th of next month, and I’m not sure what to do at that point.  I will almost certainly not have another job – fine, because my current job will still exist through January.  But, do I move somewhere else in Eugene?  I can, but I’m starting to feel like I want to move on sooner, rather than later, and not move all of my stuff just to move it again.  I can’t really afford to move to one of the big west coast cities on my current salary, though, and that might also end up meaning that I move just to move again.  I could see going home, but what about all of my stuff?  Do I lighten my load of worldly possessions – can I afford to sell everything just to buy more things wherever I do settle next?  And the same goes for moving back to Vermont, which I would love to do, but where I am unlikely to find a job, probably would have to pay some rent (unlike Florida), and where I would be split between friends in Burlington, Brattleboro, and Great Barrington, Mass.  The reality there, too, is that I don’t know if any of those friends have the same spaces in their lives for me as I would like to imagine they do.  Could any of them live with me on their couch/in their kitchen for any significant amount of time?

The likely answer – stay in Eugene.  I’ll move soon enough to a new place, and in the mean time, didn’t I promise myself that I’d spend my time Being Here?

It’s one of those decisions that I keep coming back to, though.  One of those unresolved questions that niggles me throughout the day, in part because it is unresolvable. Since it will be resolved in the next month, because someone else is taking over my house, I guess I just have to live through the uncertainty.  Would that the plot were still twisting, not just aiming straight into the murk.

***

On an entirely different note, played at Spawnfest this weekend, which was very good – both fun frisbee and fun time partying/hanging out with the teammates/laughing at Vern Fonk and Bawls and playing 20 questions.  Excited to get into better shape, although somehow I keep missing my running dates and workout times.  We went 6-1, but unfortunately the point differentials on Saturday put us into the B-bracket, so we only took 9th (out of 34? teams).  Read a lot of the Huddle last night in an exited frenzy to get back to being really useful on the field.

Childhood

Today I had the overwhelming feeling that despite being 26 years old, I am still firmly within a personal era of childhood.  Not a childhood of skipping around on the playground carefree, but one of being somewhat powerless over the circumstances of one’s life.

In this way, it seems that childhood extends throughout our lifetimes.  What does it mean to be an adult?  I have the wherewithal to cope effectively with this powerlessness, despite the fact that it is frustrating and sometimes painful to me.  Hopefully, I also am able to use the shifting ground of circumstance to my benefit, by taking opportunities as they come and seeing the potential in each situation.  Although that’s not the carefree life, maybe it allows me to lessen my cares as I remember that I’m not in charge, nor do I know the ultimate solutions or answers to each question.

In fact, the childhoods we experience transform over our lives, I think.  I have responsibilities now that go beyond keeping my room clean, but I still have this powerlessness, and oftentimes a feeling of vulnerability.  Powerlessness and vulnerability ebb and flow throughout our lives.  So too, I hope that I can say that sometimes I have moments of uncomplicated thought, moments of wonder and joy, moments when someone else takes care of me.  Those moments may come sporadically or infrequently, but they are a part of the ongoingness of childhood.  Now, with those moments, I have an adult appreciation of what I am experiencing.

I wonder, with the gaining of skill and the establishment of a pattern of living that’s not based around the paradigm of school, how the childhood that I inhabit will transform.  I know that in a new job there will be plenty of powerlessness and vulnerability, plenty of moments of discovery, and hopefully an encouraging amount of wonder and help from others.  Does the feeling of childhood eventually melt away altogether, as responsibility and the constant consciousness of thought expand, or does it always remain, even as the thinnest residual film?  Perhaps one day I will be able to answer my own questions, and at that point I will know I’m no longer a child – but it seems to me that day is illusory, and happily so, since the reliance on others we learn in childhood is one of the greatest gifts of that age.

Breaking News

Monday September 1

News today has come of a massacre in the apartment of Rachel Auerbach, a woman friends describe as “nice – you wouldn’t expect this of her.”  Worms in her “beloved” worm bin fled its environs last night in search of a better life, only to dry to their deaths on her kitchen floor.  As she knelt to tend the bin this morning, she wondered at their shapes on the linoleum, only to realize that she knelt in a field of death.

“I had no clue they were so unhappy” stated Rachel in a press conference this afternoon.  “Those worms meant the world to me – literally, I thought that with them, I could do my part to help the planet regain some of its fertility and fecundity.  They worked tirelessly towards their goal, sacrificing every day.  But I guess I just didn’t see the signs.  Fewer mature worms, slower composting…I should have known.”

The remaining worms, of which there were few, had difficulty speaking about the horrendous events of the past week.  “The bin has been drying out for a while now, and frankly, Rachel’s been pretty bad about giving us new bedding.  She’s violated our rights on multiple occasions, and if it were up to us, we would have gotten someone else to tend house a long time ago.  We can’t afford any more time with her in charge.”

The worms have steadily graded down Rachel’s performance on vermissues since arriving under her care in mid-April.  To begin with, they rated her highly, just shy of 100%, saying that “she still has some things to learn, but we trust that she’ll get better with some tough on the job training.”  Last month, they began to seriously organize for change, but they said that despite giving her a low approval rating of 54%, she didn’t listen to their pleas.

Rachel admits to turning away from the worms in their time of need.  “It’s been busy around here.  My plants aren’t doing so well either, and I’ve had a lot of other things to take care of.  But, if only I had heard them, I would have done anything for those worms.  I just did’t really know what they needed.”

A service will be held this evening in honor of the worms.  Steps are being taken to amend for the mistreatment so that any remaining worms will not meet the same fate.

APT! OMG!

I’ve been saving that title for weeks now. My future landlord called today and told me that I am approved for the apartment I’ve been thinking about for two months. Those dreams will now be a little more real. I’m going to take a look on Saturday just to confirm that I really do want to move in there. Always good to double check. But, I am sooo excited.

You know what else is good? I’ll tell you.

a) I’ve got a little portfolio to show off tomorrow, plus a very nice resume. I will get three copies of the portfolio printed and bound in the morning (hopefully, although I expect the line will be long), and ten copies of my resume, and I will go talk to the visiting firms and be professional. See what kind of recruiting I can make happen.

b) Which, on that front, I’m having a conversation with a local firm on Monday to talk about the potential for me to work with them next term in a practicum, which may turn into a summer internship anyway. Perhaps the poor studio offerings for next term will turn out to be a boon.

c) I’m announcing the Top Ten Green Projects competition tomorrow, at which point it will hopefully be a little bit more out of my hands and a little less work for a little while.

In the next few days, perhaps I’ll really have some time for studio! Actually, I’m about to head home and do a little bit of work right now.

Return to the Prosaic

I’ve been told that I’ve been missed by my vast readership, so here I am, trying to write over the past month and a half.

I’ve gone for two runs since I returned to the US on the 6th, and I’ve started a large book, and generally kept a low profile, since I needed a vacation from my vacation.

I finished the term, and was glad to have that done. My studio partners and I submitted our project to the competition, despite many last minute revisions and extreme difficulty with the printer. The moment of truth came when I was helping Michael cut his presentation boards during the long wait for my boards to print. I held the ruler as he cut – and in his sleep deprived state, slipped and sliced my finger. The cut opened up the floodgates, and everything that seemed wrong about our studio, and about our trip to Finland, and really, about the world, just hit me and, in typical fashion, I lost it. Then, eventually, I stopped crying, and we sent off our project, which did print in the end; we made a lovely model; we had a fun send-off party; the cut, which wasn’t actually very deep, healed; and I think that after all, the experience let me get over some of the silly things that weren’t ideal about our trip and enjoy just how worthwhile and once-in-a-lifetime it was.

We set out after Finland on our travels. We visited Stockholm, Copenhagen, Bergen, Oslo, and the Lofoten Islands, with boat, plane, train, and automobile. The overwhelming feeling was that everything was much more expensive than we’d expected. We saw many fascinating things, despite our attempts to economize, and of course, many pictures will eventually make their way to Flickr. Highlights include going to the Louisiana Museum in Denmark and pretty much all of the Lofoten Islands/Norway.

If there is some sort of overwhelming reply of curiousity about the trip, I can add more details, but since I think I can pretty much count on sharing stories personally with most of my vast readership, I’ll leave it at that. These experiences will undoubtedly surface in the future as they’re now a part of me.

Three more overall highlights from the academic portion of the trip – the lecture series we had was wonderful; our model of the sauna we measured at Kiljava was archived in Finland’s Museum of Architecture; I learned AutoCAD in two days thanks to my studio partners.

So, now that I’ve vaguely covered that vast and interesting part of my life, I’m once again on solid ground to keep reporting to you the prosaic and mundane…thank goodness.

Not What I Expected

Life rarely is.

Didn’t expect to measure a smoke sauna – it makes you smell like smoke, and it might get you a little grubby with soot, and you’ll likely have a backache by the end of the day.  Smoke saunas are dark, so you’re also likely to feel some eyestrain.  Makes you wish you’d have gotten the chance to take a smoke sauna after all that work…

Didn’t expect to upset my boyfriend by drawing – it turns out that when you’re so much of a perfectionist that you can’t let anything happen differently than you envisioned and you can’t admit that you’re making life impossible for those around you, you can really bug people.

Didn’t expect to eat great meals all week on 30€ – including homemade ice cream sandwiches and a meal of grilled salmon, reindeer and lingonberries, mashies, cauliflower, and mixed berries with cream/ice cream.

Didn’t expect to want to be with the aforementioned boyfriend significantly more after our long, tense discussion of many of the things that often come between us.  Then  less when he seemed unable to consider forgiving my aforementioned stupidity about the drawing.  Then more when he showed himself more than capable of that forgiveness.

Didn’t expect to read Harry Potter so soon to its release date – did expect to enjoy it, and succeeded, despite feeling quite guilty as I repeatedly slipped away from social time post-dinner and post-sauna.

Didn’t expect to get to go to Rauma’s Lace Week, let alone the Night of Black Lace – and didn’t succeed, since the tourist book printed the wrong date for the event, and the city of Rauma turned out to be almost a ghost town because everyone had partied too hard the night before.

Didn’t expect to be quite as disappointed as I was by The Simpsons Movie.  Don’t know why.

Didn’t expect to have a delicious desert of Buckthorn sauce over ice cream at a fairly fancy restaurant in Rauma at the end of the strange day of finding ourselves a day late for the big party.

Didn’t expect to miss out so completely on Gingerbread building.  Or to be so enchanted by the Turku castle.  Or to spend so much of the time thinking about past places and people.  Didn’t expect to forget the name of the street I lived on in Brattleboro (Elliot St.) or the ones I lived on in Oberlin (Pleasant and Cedar).  Or to be so nostalgic about both places during such a supposedly exciting trip around the world.

Didn’t expect to ever be so confused about so many things.  Still awestruck by life, though, so don’t worry too much yet…

Now I Know That it's True

Michael and I broke up last week, and it’s hard not to go visit him each time I leave my studio. I don’t know where I stand with the whole thing, so I’m sure there will be a development of some sort in that storyline, but as much as I want to write about the whole thing, I’m not sure that a) there is much to write and b) that I’m ready to do anything of the sort.

So much for a memory a day. Let’s see if I can think of a good one for today at least.

I remember that on the old playground at school – the one that was inside of the U of the back building for Kindergarten – I used to pretend to be a unicorn when we were basically playing tag, and William Barley and Durham Barnes and I would all run around, except that since I was a unicorn, they couldn’t really get me. A year or two later, I learned to do penny drops there, and before that, I learned cartwheels and roundoffs in the part of the playground that we weren’t really supposed to play in. We’d watch the shuttles go off down by the lake, and you could see bald eagles in the trees nearby. I remember those Kindergarten rooms surprisingly well-I bet I could draw a reasonably accurate plan of them.

Good news – we have a subletter for the house, so I can rest assured that I don’t have to pay rent for Eugene while I’m living in Finland. Furniture studio is coming along, and today I felt like I have a chance of making this work for midterms. Not so sure about Product Design class, but I’ll just have to keep pushing on that one.

Speaking of which, I should get back to work, or at least to sleeping.

Dazed

I just came across an old draft of a poem that I will now share with you despite the fact that it should probably never have seen the light of day again:

There is a space — within the heart
Where dappled sunlight drifts –
Accumulating dense and thick
Til summer’s burden lifts

And lets the soul once more resume
The comfort of the cold
Alone — enclosed — and justified
of prejudices old

It’s from my recipe book, when I was in the Emily Dickinson class at Oberlin. Wouldn’t be half bad if I could do something better with the last line.

I’m looking at recipes because I’m supposed to make something for the potluck that my studio professor is hosting tomorrow night. It’s supposed to “tell about me.” I could bring ice cream, but I don’t want to make it. Could make one of my fallback favorites, shortbread or peanut butter fudge or lasagna, which come to think of it, I might make the lasagna. Could make the grapefruit cake I’ve been making recently, and just change it around to be an orange cake so that it’s a bit more straightforwardly Floridian. I’ve sort of been thinking that I’ll make the Mac and Cheese that I made on New Year’s, though, since I’ve been craving it ever since. It requires a blender, though, and I don’t have one and I’m not sure I want to attack the cottage cheese by hand with a wooden spoon.

I’ve sort of been wondering about in a daze the last week or so, maybe even further back. When I’m in school I’m pretty focused, but I’m not that focused otherwise. Perhaps it’s in part due to the fact that I’m still up in the air about what classes I’ll be taking this spring. I was originally going to take a Product Design class along with Children’s Furniture (my studio) and Architectural Context (a required class). But then I got into a Daylighting class and had the thought that it would be great because it would be something architectural to balance out the object making in studio. Long story short, I missed the first Product Design class, but then realized that I had missed it and that I really did want to take that even more than the Daylighting class – basically thinking that the studio and product design class would reinforce each other more and the daylighting class would add more to a semester when I was actually designing a building – so I found the prof and begged and I think I’m in the class. But I’m not really sure. In fact, so not sure that I’m still going to the Daylighting class and still thinking that I need to do the work, which is problematic, since the work is done in pairs…

That and the fact that I’m still needing to figure out Finland tickets and travels, and the fact that it seems like Michael and I have very different schedules this semester, and the fact that there are still things like making a portfolio page for last term that I didn’t do over spring break that I sort of want to do, oh, and the fact that studio is still entirely open ended and I have no direction to start exploring yet are all making me feel quite dazed. At least it was a drop dead gorgeous day today and I got to spend a good bit of it outside, running and reading, and wandering around aimlessly in a daze.

So, I should really go to the grocery store soon, because whatever I make probably should be made tonight, but I do want to promise pictures of the little centerpiece that I made in studio yesterday, complete with the story of how it came to be. Good things are going to come out of this studio, I’m sure of it. And I’m definitely making the orange cake. Tomorrow.

Spring Breakin'

I’m currently enjoying the most laid-back spring break I’ve ever experienced. Michael (the boyfriend) and I were originally going to head down to San Francisco, but for many and various reasons, we changed our plans at the last minute and have been hanging out in Eugene doing very little of anything. We’re going to head up to Portland for the weekend, which is particularly exciting since Emily, my friend from Oberlin, is visiting the West Coast and will be my main attraction to Portland.

We just got our studio assignments for next term, which for my little ever-forward-thinking brain is super exciting. I’m in the Children’s Furniture studio with Professor Hagenlocher, which was my first choice. I was a bit concerned to take an Interior Architecture studio for my first studio but it seems really exciting and I’m sure I’ll be able to follow up with a lot of good architecture studios later – especially since I already know I’m heading to Finland for the summer.

Speaking of which, yesterday, I bought two travel books to scope out things to do in Finland and beyond. I’m trying desparately to figure out what travel dates make the most sense, since tickets are going up, but it’s pretty difficult to try to plan for the trip. Right now I’m thinking that if I fly out of Chicago to Finland I can get pretty good prices – then I can get a cheap flight from Portland to Chicago, hang out for a few days there, and on the way back jump down to Florida at the end of the break. Just have to figure out what sort of time is appropriate at the end of the program, which of course means making an estimate of the cost of being there, which of course is very difficult to calculate for one such as I with little to no understanding of what I would like to do there.

Anyway, just a quick update from the semester. I passed with flying colors from my studio, literally, with a Pass Commend. My professor really liked my work, as did I, and I hope you will too. I made a little set on Flikr for those of you who who’d like to see some of the highlights.

Hmm, it’s 3:45, and Michael and I are going to get some lunch. I’m going to see if I can convince him to take a little trip to the hotsprings. Oh, and maybe I’ll get you a picture of him soon…

Excuses, Excuses

Pitiful. It’s the 18th and I haven’t posted yet this month.

Reasons? Despite having “lots of free time” because I dropped my ECS class, I actually have very little free time. Ok, I might have, right off the bat, but things have ramped up. I don’t know how I would be handling it if I were in ECS, actually. But also, I’ve been taking some time to do nothing, which means nothing, including typing on the computer. Oh, and I’ve also been taking a little time out with someone special. Happy valentines day. I have my first boyfriend ever.

Good things are happening – the murmur on the street is that summer travel to Finland looks positive. I’m about to put in my application for a Graduate Teaching Fellowship (GTF), which, if I get it, would give me more teaching experience and would pay tuition for the terms during which I would teach.

On V-day, I helped put together a review for the undergrad studio, and I was very proud, because it went so well. The day before, I rounded up a bunch of friends from around the department and convinced them to be reviewers at 8:30 the next morning. They did, and they were excellent – all the undergrads felt that they got solid reviews, which is more than I can say for myself in many of the reviews I’ve been to.

And yesterday was just gorgeous. I spent much of it in the sunshine, in my tanktop no less. Despite some rearranging, I ended up making the hike up Spencer’s Butte. I went with a bunch of the second year boys, and enjoyed the change of company. It felt like my efforts to get to know more than just the folks in my year were really paying off. The three time a week workouts (with a little gang that goes straight after studio) also seemed to pay off.

So, I’ll post a pic from around midterms, which happened a week ago, because I meant to do it a while ago. This past week I floundered around, trying to make a facade for my building, and had great difficulty. Didn’t get to work much on it this weekend, but I’m sure I’ll get there before the final review. Just have to restrategize…

[The building from Ankeny Street (one block South of the Burnside bridge in Portland). The right is the "wall of action" where all the meeting and training rooms are arrayed. Behind it is the "alley" where bridges connect the wall to the rest of the building. There, a double height volume (blue) houses the shared office space, and a one and a half height volume (yellow) houses the library. All the way to the left, behind the stair tower, is a little pocket garden.]

Oh, and I’ll also say that I’ve been feeling almost constant reminders of various friends from Oberlin and Vermont, wishing I knew what everyone was up to. I think this coming week I’ll try to make a few calls, write a few notes. If you don’t get one, it’s probably not because I don’t love you, but because those best laid plans just never happen.

Something totally random, thanks to Lyrica:
create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Anywhoo, I’m back on track with the blogging. Ready to go again. Missed it. Happy now.

Lucky Dog

Hey, it all comes together -
I just read that with 2006 being the year of the dog in Chinese zodiac, I was bound to have a rough year, since I am a dog. Evidently, when your year comes up, you’re in conflict with the god of ominous, so you have an unlucky year unless you take precautions in the first 15 days of the year. So, watch out every 12 years for your unlucky year…

Actually, the year went well overall for me, despite the rough patch this last semester. After all, I had a fantastic time in Vermont, got into grad school, drove safely across the country, settled into life in a new part of the world, and made lots of new friends. This time of the year you remember how many good old friends you have, too. Last night Ryan called, and I’ve recently talked to Hans, Joe, Stefan, and Tad. The list of folks to call is even longer, but I can’t help but feel warm and happy about getting a bit of time to catch up with friends. I guess it’s my fault for not being on MySpace, but I feel a bit old fashioned about that whole thing with the unreality aspect of it all, plus I think I’m a bit squeamish about being too accessible.

Which leads me to a recent two-part revelation: 1) I just want everyone to love me. Therefore, when boys ask me out or make a move, I get nervous that if I go out with them, other people won’t be able to love me as much (an irrational fear, I know). 2) I just really like to spend time by myself and not be accountable to anyone else for that time. That means that when boys ask me out or make a move, I get nervous that they are the type of person who will want to spend significant amounts of time with me and have me think about how I ought to spend time with them.

These two qualities lie at the base of my perpetual singledom, and they’re in my power to change. What a nice Christmas present to self. Yay for overanalysing situations. We’ll see what this revelation means for my future love life…

Ok, and the other topic I wanted to cover today: the rough draft of my playlist.

1. Wayside (Back in Time) – Gillian Welch – Soul Journey
2. Passing Afternoon – Iron and Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days
3. Pink and Blue – The Mountain Goats – All Hail West Texas
4. Swansea – Joanna Newsom – The Milk-Eyed Mender
5. The Stranger Song – Leonard Cohen – Field Commander Cohen Tour 1979
6. Girl in the War – Josh Ritter – The Animal Years
7. Ship out on the Sea – The Be Good Tanyas – Chinatown
8. Homesick – Kings of Convenience – Riot on an Empty Street
9. Bed is for Sleeping – Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy – Superwolf 
10. Whiskey in the Jar – Belle and Sebastian – 
11. Santa Claus (Instrumental) – Bill Monroe – Bluegrass 1959-1969
12. Train, Train – Dolly Parton – The Grass is Blue
13. Just to See You Smile – Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy – More Reverie
14. Wagon Wheel – Old Crow Medicine Show – O.C.M.S

It’s my Countrified playlist, and I’m in the process of cutting down my Citified playlist, which is more ambient/indie. I was going for a mix of traditional and indie folk, but it’s got a bit of tweaking before it’s ready to run – particularly whether I’ll keep “Just to See You Smile” or trade it out for another Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy song.

Coming soon: the final cut of the two volume set of musics that I like very much, plus, reflections on the last semester, and maybe even the whole year.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today my friend Rima died.

I hadn’t talked to her in about a year and a half – last time I saw her we were playing together at Gender Blender, the tournament in Canada that was my stop off between graduation in Oberlin and adult life in Vermont. She got married this summer to her longtime boyfriend, also a good friend of mine. She had cancer, though, and today she died. I didn’t know that she got married or had cancer until one of our mutual friends called me today to tell me the news. The weird thing is, though, that today as I was biking home, I thought I saw Rima, which was strange, because I haven’t thought about her all that much since closing her last email with pictures of that tournament in Canada. I was thinking about a number of friends, folks I wanted to call and get in touch with, as I was biking, but I wasn’t thinking about Rima, and then I thought I saw her. So I just wanted to record that bit of uncanniness, and say that I will miss her.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I felt so sad and alone as I sat in studio. My design groove is definitely not back yet, and as I sat there being discouraged by that fact, I started to enumerate all my flaws, and feel entirely inadequate and very unhappy. I felt unfashionable, frumpy, clumsy, and smelly. I felt like the one person I had started to really become friends with was angry with for some undecipherable reason. Thank goodness I had frisbee league – as I ate an apple in the studio and tried not to cry I thought about skipping it, but as soon as I set foot on the fields my spirit was lifted and I felt whole again. I was most certainly frumpy and smelly, but it was of no consequence.

I dressed up today, wore my black heels and a fancy sweater and some mascara. I looked at myself in the mirror, and for the effort, I didn’t think I looked appreciably better, but I thought at least I gave it the effort. I made it through the day with significantly fewer negative thoughts, I talked to my formerly close friend, and decided that I will gently work my way back to being friends with him, and I figured out that I do really have some free time on my hands.

I want tomorrow to go well in the studio, because I need some encouragement from actions, and not just from the kind words of friends.

I’m so glad you’re here, dear diary.